In 1517, almost 500 years ago, Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses on the church door in Wittenberg, Saxe-Wittenberg (modern-day Germany). Divine inspiration, and a desire to get a head start on the 500th anniversary, has led Prof. Chandni to nail her own edict to the door of Dean Di Maggio's office. The edict reads as follows:
Let the word go forth that all Beauty School staff and students must surrender the following items by Wednesday, August 19th at door of Dean Di Maggio's office. In order to protect the integrity of the Miss Universe Pageant, all of these items must be stripped from your homes, dorms, lockers, etc.:
- All rum from Puerto Rico, especially Bacardi!
- All Goya food products
- Tequila
- Dos Equis Beer
- Tia Maria, Kahlua, and other sweet liqueurs from Spanish-speaking countries in the Western Hemisphere
- Antartica Guarana soda
- Inca Kola
- Black Beans
- Tacos
- Nachos
- Salsa
- Jalapeños and other species of hot peppers indigenous to Mesoamerica (but not Scotch Bonnets from Jamaica!)
- Anything from Taco Bell!
- Plantains
- Guacamole
- Paella pans
- Chorizo
- Pupusas
- Arepas
- Cuy
- Marimbas
- Castanets
- Mantillas
- Flamenco costumes
- Bossa Nova records and CDs
- Jerry Rivera records and CDs
- All copies of the magazines Vea, Cromos, and People en Español
- Pet chihuahuas
I myself will turn over my dear darling Lupita, a pure-bred Mexican miniature chihuahua. I will also personally see to it that the Nicaraguan Flor de Caña rum in Lorraine's desk drawer is temporarily confiscated.
Should these sacrifices go well, and ward off the spectre of a Latina winner at Miss Universe on August 23rd (with the sole, single, solitary, possible exception of Miss Dominican Republic), your goods will be returned to you. If things don't go well, expect a huge bonfire on Aug. 24th. Of course, all chihuahuas will be treated acccording to the strictest PETA standards. During the Latin Embargo, all chihuahaus will be living in the lap of luxury at Celina Jaitley's Four-Legged Friends spa. They will be returned to their rightful owners on August 24th, with the best pedi-paw you have ever seen.
So let it be written; so let be said.
Signed,
Prof. Chandni
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